actually, I'm a sock model
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
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