Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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