i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
