The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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