I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
