Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
