OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
