he puts the penis in happiness.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
