I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
no, he came in my armpit
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
