Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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