a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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