Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Randomize
