Man, jail baloney is awful.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
