My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
