Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
