you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
