my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
