She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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