I am puke
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Randomize
