Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
This is my gift to your gina
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
