how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
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