I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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