I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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