I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
