So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
