Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
