Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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