Umm I'm too high to move.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
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He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
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I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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