this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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