he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
he shaved USA in his pubs
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
