you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
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