Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
