When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
