Already got asked if we're dating
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
