she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Randomize
