did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize