Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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