everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
His nipple licking is glorious
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