Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
