Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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