stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
