Your face is a jimmy john
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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