You're earring is so big in my mouth
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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