Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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