I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
