haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize
