Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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