I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
