im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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