id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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