I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
