I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
