i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
