I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
what is it with giant penises always finding me
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
