Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
