if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
