what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
